Let's Make a Sandwich
by angelsinstead
Summary: Todd eats a sandwich prepared by John McBain and ends up pregnant.   Marty shows up with her headless husband to help Todd stop Irene from threatening Todd's family.   David and Dorian deal with their unruly twin children.   AU Comedy Story
1. Todd Wants a Sandwich

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*The Horse Whisperer*~

Dr. Marty Saybrooke and her headless husband, Patrick Thornhart, rode into Llanview one September day upon their spotted ponies. "Patrick, now that we are here in Llanview, where would you like to go first?" Marty asked her husband as their horses came to a halt.

Her husband, known as The Horse Whisper because of his ability to "talk" to the equine beasts, pointed in the direction of Llanview Stables. "Yes, we will take our ponies to the stables for some oats, then we will take care of business," Marty said as the two of them began galloping away upon their ponies.

Arriving at the stables, Marty and Patrick left their ponies in capable hands as they got ready to take care of business. "I need to give this disc to Todd so that Irene will stop threatening his family," Marty said to Patrick as they were leaving.

Patrick made an obscene gesture of protest, but Marty just shook her head. "Patrick, you know I must help Todd. He and I have a history together, and I would never let anything happen to Todd's kids," Marty stated as she knew Patrick wasn't pleased about their return to Llanview to help Todd Manning whom he considered his greatest enemy. Todd and Patrick had pretty much hated one another from Day One, and he had never really understood Marty's unbreakable connection to Todd as he knew that Todd had hurt Marty so deeply in the past.

Despite his lack of a head, Marty could tell by Patrick's body language that he wasn't happy about this situation, but he was going along with her to speak to Todd anyway. Ever since Patrick's return from the dead and his escape from Irene's Lab of Horrors, nothing remained for him above his broad, muscular shoulders. Marty missed his long, curly chestnut locks, his gorgeous brown eyes, and his full, kissable lips, but she was willing to forget all of that considering she was so happy to have her husband returned to her, even incomplete.

"Patrick, I love you," Marty said as she held his hand in hers. "And maybe there's something on that disc that can help us locate where Irene has hidden your adorable, yet bushy head."

Patrick hoped she was right. Life pretty much sucked for him without his head. He couldn't talk to his friends, the horses, and he couldn't properly make love to his beautiful wife. Even now, headless as he was, he wondered how he could hear her, considering his ears were now gone. Not questioning it, he walked along with Marty toward Angel's Square.

~*John McBain's Apartment*~

John McBain was taking a long, hot shower. He had to take matters into his own hands, considering he was without a girlfriend at the present time. He thought about Natalie's yummy jumbos as he stroked his meat. Why had he ever dumped Marty for Natalie? Marty had truly loved him, but he had trotted off after Natalie's luscious ta-tas instead of staying with the woman who adored him. But then things had gone sour with Natalie, leading John to Kelly Cramer's bed. Suddenly, John was thinking of Kelly's long, sexy legs as they had wrapped around him so lustfully. "Kelly," he moaned, stroking himself even faster. It felt so good as the hot water of the shower cascaded onto his thick meat. He was going to cum soon, but his mind was wandering to yet another woman. Blair. Ohhhh Blair. She was so fuckin hot! She really knew how to tie him to the bed and punish him. Ohhh God yes! John was cumming!

"Hey, what's going on in there?" a voice called out.

John froze, his stiff meat in hand when he heard Todd calling out from the door. Had he remembered to lock the door? He didn't think so.

"Ohhh... uhhhh... be right out. I'll be out in just a moment," John said, shuddering as he came all over his hand.

"Well, hurry up," Todd grumbled. "I'm hungry, and I want you to make me a sandwich."

"Sure. Uhhh... I'll be right there to make your sandwich," John stated, hurrying out of the shower and towelling himself off quickly as he was worried that Todd was going to barge right in, catching him in the act of fondling his thick pole.

Standing by the door, Todd's mouth was watering. He hadn't eaten all day, and he absolutely loved John's yummy sandwiches. He didn't know what John put on those delicious sandwiches of his, but they sure were delectable. "Hurry up... I'm starved!" he hollered to John.

John threw on his clothes quickly, not even bothering to wash his hands as Todd was rushing him. John left the bathroom and headed off toward the kitchen, so he could prepare Todd one of his famous sandwiches. Todd smirked, because he couldn't wait to sink his teeth into the tasty bread and meat. "Don't forget your special sauce!" Todd called out as he sunk down on the couch.

"Ohhh... I won't forget," John said with a chuckle as he walked over to the fridge.

Todd was about ready to flip on the TV when there was a knock at the door. "I wonder who that could be?" spoke Todd.

"Todd, could you get that?" John asked from the kitchen as he was right in the middle of making Todd's sandwich.

Grumbling, Todd got up to answer the door. To his shock and surprise, there stood Marty Saybrooke with some headless guy. "Hi, Todd," Marty said to a speechless Todd. "Can we come in?"

~*La Boulie*~

"Kids! Come to breakfast!" Dorian called out.

Suddenly a slew of kids came running down the steps. "Hello, Aunt Dorian," said Starr, as she kissed her great-aunt's cheek.

"What's for breakfast?" asked Sam.

Dorian hugged Starr as she informed Sam that David was cooking. "Ewwww," Jack grumbled. "I'm sure it's not even fit to eat."

Davey and Dorie, David and Dorian's twin children were giggling mischieviously as they approached their mother. "We're hungry," Dorie said in a whiney voice to her mother.

"Come on into the kitchen, honey. Daddy's cooking."

Dorian and the kids entered the kitchen. There, over the grill, David was trying to cook a porcupine. "David, what do you think you are doing?" Dorian screeched.

"I am making grilled porcupine!" David said with a wink.

"I am soooo not eating that!" Jack said, rolling his eyes.

"Where did you find that- that thing?" Starr asked, looking at the stuffed porcupine in horror.

"Ohhh... I found it in a dumpster outside of the Minute-Man Motel. I thought it looked tasty so I brought it back here and decided to cook it for my wonderful family," David explained, getting ready to put the porcupine onto the hot grill.

"But Daddy," spoke up Davey. "You didn't even de-quill it or take off the hide!"

"David, you are never cooking again," Dorian said in disgust, taking the porcupine from the pan and throwing it into the garbage can.

"Starr, get rid of that thing!" Dorian demanded.

Starr did as her great-aunt requested, taking the porcupine outside and tossing it in the trash. Little did she know that someone was lurking in the shadows. It was Cutter Wentworth, who had come to La Boulie to rescue his little friend, Morris. His sister Kim had thrown the stuffed porcupine away, and Cutter wanted it back.

"Are you okay, little guy? They didn't hurt you, did they?" Cutter said, picking up the porcupine and cuddling it close after Starr had gone back into the house.

"Daddy loves you," Cutter said to the porcupine as he began walking away.

Back in the house, Dorie looked at her mother. "I hope you are taking us out for breakfast. I want McDonalds,' the bratty little girl said.

"Whatever you want, Dorie ~ dear," Dorian said, as she grabbed her husband by the ear and lead him out of the kitchen.

"Dorian! Owww! That hurts!" he whined.

"Be quiet, David!" Dorian said as she slapped his behind.

Dorian got in the car with David and all the kids. "Take us to McDonalds," Dorian told her driver.

"Step on it, ass-wipe," Jack piped up from the back seat. "I'm starving back here!"

Igor, the driver, rolled his eyes and let out a sound of disgust. How he hated Dorian and her family. Every single one of Dorian's family members sucked. He drove like a bat out of hell toward the nearest McDonalds. He could only hope that their car would get hit by a bus...


	2. Todd Eats a Sandwich

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*John McBain's Apartment*~

Todd did a doubletake, seeing Marty standing there in the doorway as she asked to come in. John had been in the kitchen, finishing up with Todd's sandwich when he too had heard Marty's voice. Not even bothering to wash his hands yet again, he hurried into the livingroom as he carried the plate with Todd's sandwich on it. "Marty?" he said with surprise as he handed the plate to Todd.

"Thanks," Todd said with a grin, hungrily accepting the sandwich. He couldn't wait to sink his teeth into the yummy prize.

"Hey, John," said Marty. "May we come in?"

"Sure," John said as he moved aside to let Marty and Patrick enter the apartment. He gestured over toward the living room furniture, offering his guests a place where they might sit down.

"So, what brings you back to Llanview?" John asked after everyone had been seated.

"Yeah... and who's the headless guy?" wondered Todd as he got ready to raise his sandwich up toward his lips.

"Actually, I'm here to help Todd," Marty answered. "I heard he's been looking for the disc and that Irene has been theatening to hurt his family if she isn't given possession of it."

Then to answer Todd's question, Marty looked over at Patrick. "I know this is hard to believe, but this is Patrick. Irene kept him captive in her Lab of Horrors for nearly a decade, and this is how he escaped. I'm afraid however that he's now headless."

"We can see that," John said, marvelling over the fact that Marty's husband was minus his head. "It looks like Irene really did a number on him."

"She did. And somewhere in her secret lab, we suspect she still has his head, preserved in some sort of frozen chamber. Maybe the information on this disc will not only keep Todd's family safe, but help Patrick as well, so we'll be able to recover his head," stated Marty as she handed over the disc to John.

Todd was in the process of scarfing down his sandwich, meat and mayo clinging to his lips. Marty couldn't help but be drawn to the sight as Todd always had a habit of eating like a savage. Todd took one more yummy bite, then swallowed. He could really use a beer right now but had forgotten to ask his good buddy John to bring him one from the kitchen.

Looking over at headless Patrick, Todd wasn't impressed. "Patrick, huh?" Todd said with a shrug. "Well, I can honestly say I like him better this way. Now I don't have to stare at his ugly mug with all that punk-rock wannabe hair. And I certainly don't miss his annoying Irish brogue either. 'Oooo me lucky charms,'" Todd mocked, considering the sight of Patrick Thornhart always reminded him of that fateful moment he had found his wife Blair sandwiched between Thornhart and the living room floor just after Todd's return from Ireland all those years ago. And it had been Thornhart's fault in the first place that he and Blair had been separated as Todd had been shot in the back doing a favor for Patrick at Marty's request.

"Gotten anyone's wife pregnant lately?" Todd sneered to Patrick.

Patrick responded by extending his middle finger out to Todd. Marty looked at the two of them, horrified. "Todd, this isn't helping," Marty said as she reached for Patrick's hand, lightly squeezing his finger to chastise him as she hindered his obscene gesture.

"Nice to finally meet you, Patrick," John said as he shook the other man's hand. Withdrawing his hand from John's, Patrick could feel some sort of sticky residue clinging to his fingers.

Looking at the disc, John thanked Marty. "I'm sure we can use this to help keep Todd's family safe from Irene. We'll hand it over to her, but not before we obtain the necessary information from it that could possibly help Patrick," John promised.

"Yes, if you haven't heard, my evil bitch of a so-called mother already planted a bomb in an attempt to hurt my family all because she wanted a microchip she insisted I hand over to her," Todd said to Marty. "Even when I did find the microchip and gave it to her, Mommy Dearest still wasn't satisfied. She doesn't care who she kills, even if it's her own grandchildren. She probably would have done more damage, but Tina's little dog bit her leg, and she ran off somewhere and hasn't been seen since."

"She's injured now, but we know she will be back," spoke John. "No one in Llanview is safe. She's especially dangerous to small animals and defenseless children."

"She sounds just awful," Marty agreed as she pulled a wicked-looking kitchen knife from her purse. "If I see her, I'll stab her with this. I have been known for doing a great deal of damage with one of these babies."

Todd smirked. "A woman after my own heart," he said softly. He was still in awe of the fact that Marty had lost it a few months ago, dicing and slicing Kelly Cramer and her own psychiatrist. But most of all, he'd like to commend her for throwing his niece Natalie from the top of this very building, Angel's Square. Too bad Natalie had landed on her jumbos, breaking her fall.

"Marty, put the knife away. Myself and several other lame police officers will handle Irene," John told her. "Why don't you and Patrick get yourself a room at the Palace Hotel, and we'll be in touch?"

"Come on, Patrick," Marty said, as she stood and got ready to leave.

"Don't be a stranger," said Todd, giving Marty a little wink. He was totally flirting with her despite the fact that her headless husband was right there and catching on to Todd's not-so-subtle innuendos.

"Where are you staying, Todd?" Marty asked as John walked she and Patrick over to the door.

"Vicki's, but I spend most of my time over here at John's," Todd said as he wrapped an arm around John. "Me and John are bestest buddies."

John didn't know whether to laugh or cry as Todd practically hugged him right in front of Marty while looking at him with abundant adoration. "I'm glad you've finally made a friend, Todd," Marty told him sincerely.

"He makes the best sandwiches," Todd remarked as he grinned at John.

"I bet he does," said Marty as she held Patrick's hand and walked out the door.

~*The Minute-Man Motel*~

Cutter Wentworth arrived back at the motel carrying his little friend, the stuffed porcupine named Morris. He walked into his room and placed Morris back down on his stand. "Kim's such a bitch for throwing you away. She doesn't know a real gem when she sees it, but don't worry, Morris. Daddy will protect you, and you're going to be safe here from now on," Cutter promised the porcupine.

Aubrey walked out of the bathroom, totally naked and looking as whorish as ever. "Talking to yourself, Cutter?" Aubrey asked him. "Or were you trying to coax your itty-bitty penis out of it's shell again?"

"Very funny," Cutter said dryly, gazing over at his sluttish girlfriend.

Just then, Aubrey saw that butt-ugly porcupine sitting on it's stand once again. "I thought Kim got rid of that nasty-looking thing," she said in a bitchy voice.

"Shut up. He's my baby," Cutter said defensively, hugging Morris affectionately.

"You have some sort of weird, fucked-up obsession with that thing. You talk to it like it's alive. Probably next you'll be fucking the damn thing."

Cutter covered Morris's delicate little ears. "Don't talk about him that way. He has feelings, too!"

"You really need some help, Cutter. Too bad Marty Saybrooke wasn't still around to give you some of her own special therapy," Aubrey chuckled as she walked over to the dresser and began searching through the drawers for something sexy she could wear.

"When are you leaving, Aubrey? Morris and I need some time alone..."

Aubrey just rolled her eyes, pulling a dress over her head. She didn't even bother to put on any panties. She seldom wore panties; she was such a slut. "Sure, you and your little stuffed critter have some fun. I'll be back later. I'm going out looking for some new meat," she said, grabbing her purse. A moment later, she was out the door.

"Alone at last," Cutter said to the porcupine. "So, what would you like to talk about?"

~*La Boulie*~

Dorian, David, and the family had just returned from McDonalds. "What would you like to do today?" David asked his beautiful wife.

"We want to play in the pool, Daddy," little Davey spoke up with his twin right beside him.

"Please, Daddy... Puhhhhhh-leassssssse," Dorie whined.

"Well, okay. Everyone go put on your swimming suits," David gave in.

After all the kids had headed upstairs like a herd of elephants, David smirked at Dorian. "You go put on your suit too, sexy," he said to her.

"Okay, David, but you better keep your hands off me. Remember, there are children present," Dorian said to him in a sultry voice.

"It will be hard," David responded as he glanced down toward his growing erection.

"David, behave yourself!" Dorian warned, giving his ass a sharp slap.

"Owww!" David cried out, rubbing his sore ass. Dorian was always spanking him. "I'm gonna have bruises."

"Don't worry, sexy. I'll kiss them later," Dorian promised before heading upstairs to put on her swimming suit.

"Wooo hooo!" David cried out as he ran after her.

~*Fifteen Minutes Later*~

Dorian, David, and the family walked outside to the pool area, eager to spend some time in the sun. Dorian carried a big bottle of sunscreen and told David to rub some on her. "My pleasure, darling," David said to her with a wink as the kids bounded over toward the pool. "We can't have the sun harming your delicate skin."

Dorian lay down on a towel, presenting David with her back so he could apply the sunscreen. David poured a huge glob of it right in the middle of Doran's back. "Ohhh David, you used too much!" she complained.

"The more for me to rub all over you, sexy," David remarked as he started to do just that.

Meanwhile, the kids were having a blast in the pool. Sam, Dorie, and Davey were passing a beach ball back and forth in the water. Jack and Starr were swimming and enjoying the sunshine. The weather was absolutely perfect for a swim.

Behind the hedges, someone was watching them. She stared at the children with an evil gleam in her eyes. "Which one shall I kill first?" the evil Irene plotted quietly.

Just then, Tina's little dog came out of nowhere and started humping Irene's leg. "Get off of me, you nasty little fucker!" Irene screamed, trying to shake the furry little creature off her leg.

"David, did you hear something?" Dorian asked.

"No, all I can hear is the kids," David responded as he continued to massage the sunscreen into Dorian's skin.

"Ohhh, no matter. Don't stop, David. That feels sooooooo good," Dorian encouraged him.

Upstairs, in the attic, Addie was cutting out paperdolls with her scissors. Humming to herself, she rocked back and forth in a wooden rocker. The woman was just at the edge of her sanity, ready to snap at any moment. Looking at the paperdolls she had just cut out, Addie began cutting all of their heads off with cruel snipping motions.

"They're all gonna die," she said with a cackle.


	3. Todd Ate a Bad Sandwich?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*John McBain's Apartment*~

Todd had just puked for the upteenth time. "Ohhh God, I don't feel so good," he groaned as he plopped himself down on John's couch with a thump.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" John asked, wrinkling his nose in disgust because Todd reeked of barf.

"I dunno. It must have been something I ate," Todd grumbled.

"You have been throwing up the past few mornings," John observed.

"I need a doctor," Todd said as he clutched his stomach.

Just then Marty walked in. "There's one now," said John as Marty came over to the couch, looking at Todd with concern. "What's wrong with Todd?" Marty asked as she noticed Todd appeared rather pale.

"I think he ate something bad," John answered with a shrug.

"It was that sandwich you made me. It made me sick," Todd complained.

Gently Marty placed her hand on Todd's forehead, checking for fever. "No temperature. But Todd, it may be food poisoning. We need to get you to a doctor right away."

"No doctor," Todd whimpered.

"Go to the doctor, man. I am tired of you puking all over the comode," John insisted.

"I'll go," Todd said to Marty. "But only if you go with me and hold my hand. I'm afraid of needles and men in little white coats."

"It'll be allright, Todd. I'll go with you," Marty promised.

John actually had to help Todd up from the couch because he was so dizzy. He grabbed Marty's hand as he feared he might pass out. "John, could you please drive us to the hospital?" Marty asked as she was helping Todd over toward the door.

"Sure," John agreed. He paused only a moment to spray some air freshner. The scent of pine soon filled the room, covering up the unpleasant odor of stale vomit.

"Much better," said John as he headed out the apartment with Marty and a very queasy Todd.

~*Llanview Stables*~

Patrick Thornhart had just arrived at Llanview Stables to see his dear friends, the spotted ponies. He had just purchased a sign language book at the bookstore downtown, and he was eager to start communicating with his horse-pals once again. He was standing in the stable beside the horse stalls when he suddenly realized the book was useless to him considering he couldn't see to read! It totally sucked being without a head. There were so many things he could not do! He couldn't cuss out Todd Manning. He couldn't talk to his horses. He couldn't even properly make love to his beautiful wife. He knew Marty missed all the pleasures he had once been able to give her. Would any woman truly love him, headless as he now was? Sadly, he walked up to his favorite horse and began to stroke it's mane.

In the past he might have told all his problems to Patches, but considering he had no head, he was left unable to communicate with the beloved creatures. Why hadn't John McBain located his head yet? And why was Marty spending all her time with her exs, Todd and John? Marty was over at John's constantly. In fact, she was probably over there at that very moment. *What do Todd and John got that I don't have?* Patrick thought.

*A head!* The answer was obvious. Marty wanted a REAL man. Someone whole and complete. And ever since he had escaped Irene's Lab of Horrors and had returned to Marty's life minus his head, their relationship had been inadequate. Marty was slipping away from him; Patrick was sure of it. He needed his head back... and FAST.

~*The Minute-Man Motel*~

Across town, Cutter Wentworth was having a long conversation with his porcupine Morris, but as usual Morris wasn't answering him back. "Come on, Morris. Just open up your mouth and speak. I know you want to," Cutter coaxed the stuffed porcupine.

"Morris, PLEASE talk to me. Tell Daddy what you want to do today," Cutter pleaded.

The porcupine stared back at Cutter with unseeing eyes. Tears filled Cutter's eyes as all he wanted was for his beloved porcupine to come alive. Cutter wished for it with all his heart. "You just gotta be alive," Cutter said as his tears fell on the porcupine's little head.

"It's no use..." Cutter said sadly as he looked down at Morris. "We'll never have the father-son relationship I've always dreamed of..."

Just then, to Cutter's great surprise, the porcupine blinked.

"Morris, you're alive! YOU'RE ALIVE!" Cutter exclaimed. To him, a miracle had just occurred.

~*La Boulie*~

David and Dorian's twin children were playing in the pool house. Dorie had a box of matches in her hand. She and her brother laughed wickedly as they were setting fire to all of Sam's spiderman's action figures one by one. "Take that Spidey-Man... burned at the stake!" exclaimed Davey as his sister torched another one.

Soon there was a pile of half-burned action figures lying in front of them. "Davey, this has been fun, but I'm getting bored. What can we burn up now?" Dorie asked.

"I dunno. How about Daddy's underwear?" Davey suggested.

"Or the money in Mommy's safe," giggled Dorie mischieviously.

"Yeah, that would be FUN!" Davey said with a smirk. "Let's do it!"

The naughty twins stood up, ready to go inside to raid the safe. They were on their way out of the pool house when an evil lady showed up, along with her henchman. "Not so fast," she said, glaring at the children.

"Who are you?" Dorie asked her in a hateful voice.

"I'm here to kidnap you," she replied. "My name is Irene Manning."

"I've heard about you. My dad said you are mean ole bitch!" Davey exclaimed.

"Why you little whippersnapper! I'm taking you back to my lab, and I'll wash your mouth out with soap!" growled Irene as she grabbed Davey tight in her steely grip.

Her henchman, Agent Baker quickly took hold of Dorie. The little girl kicked and screamed, calling Agent Baker all sorts of horrible names. "These rotten little brats must be punished!" Irene said to Agent Baker as Davey bit her arm.

"You're a mean old witch!" Davey cried out as Irene and Agent Baker carried him and his struggling sister off toward a nearby van. The children were tossed in the back, and soon after the van had drove away.


	4. Todd's Pregnancy Test

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*Llanview Hospital*~

Todd looked like death warmed-over as Marty waited with him in an exam room for the doctor. Dr. Kyle Lewis entered, clipboard in hand. "What seems to be the problem?" Dr. Lewis asked, looking at Todd as he lay there in a hospital gown.

"I think I ate a bad sandwich," Todd said as he rubbed his stomach. "I feel like shit."

"Well, what kind of symptoms have you been having?" Kyle asked as he was jotting down some notes.

"He's been vomiting and experiencing light-headedness," Marty spoke up.

"I'm tired... and I feel bloated," Todd added.

"I see," Kyle said as he looked up from Todd's medical chart.

"Well, what's wrong with me, doctor?" Todd demanded.

"It sounds like you may be pregnant," replied Kyle.

"What?" Todd screeched.

Kyle gave Todd a light slap on the back. "Just kidding," he laughed. "It's probably just a simple case of food poisoning. I'll have the nurse come in and draw some blood for some tests."

"Ohhh great," Todd grumbled.

"Any other symptoms?" Kyle asked.

"Well, yeah... " Todd said, looking greatly embarrassed. "I've been urinating a lot."

"It really does sound like he may be pregnant," Marty said as with a small laugh.

"Well, we both know that isn't possible so there must be some other explanation," said Kyle with a smile as he settled his gaze upon his patient. "I'll send the nurse right in. Don't go anywhere."

"Ohhh I won't. I'm in this funky little hospital gown, remember?" Todd remarked. "If I get up, my ass will be hanging out..."

Kyle didn't say anything to that remark, just raised an eyebrow and walked out. "I hate hospitals," Todd spoke in a grumble.

"Ohhh I know, Todd. But everything's going to be just fine," Marty tried to soothe him.

"Why were you joking with the doctor about me being pregnant?" he demanded.

"Well, because it just kind of SOUNDS like you are."

"I can't possibly be..." Todd said as he placed a hand upon his stomach.

"Ohhh I don't know, Todd. Your mother was known for doing hellish experiments in her Lab of Horrors. What if she-?"

"What the fuck? You mean, you think it could be true?" Todd asked fearfully.

"I don't know... but we could do a test, I guess. Just to rule out the possibility."

"Well, let's do a test then. I know I am not pregnant. I just ate a bad sandwich," spoke Todd. "This is all John's fault."

Marty stood up and began looking around the exam room. She found a pregnancy test in one of the drawers. "Okay, here's a test," she said, opening the package and handing the little white stick to Todd.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" Todd asked helplessly.

"You pee on the stick," she responded.

"Ohhh my God!" he gasped. He couldn't believe he had actually agreed to this test. He couldn't POSSIBLY be pregnant, could he? This whole thing was nuts!

"I'll wait outside, and you go on in the bathroom and do your thing," Marty encouraged.

"Alright," Todd said grudgingly as he carefully got up off the exam table, holding the stick in one hand and trying to hold the back of his hospital gown closed with his other hand. After awhile he gave up as he really didn't care if Marty saw his backside.

He went into the adjoining bathroom and preformed the pregnancy test. "How many minutes until we get a result?" he called out to Marty.

"Two minutes," Marty answered as she peeked into the bathroom.

"Ohhh God, I feel sick," Todd mumbled as he bent over the toliet. Marty gently stroked his hair as she truly did feel bad for him. He was absolutely miserable.

"I'm going to die," Todd whined.

"You're going to be alright," Marty whispered to him as she continued to caress his hair.

His world was spinning around as he held onto Marty for support. "I hope I don't puke on you," he said softly.

"I hope you don't either," she said as she placed a kiss on the top of his head.

Her tenderness with him was the only thing that kept him from losing it as he wretched repeatedly into the toliet. After he threw up, Marty helped him rinse his mouth and then picked up the pregnancy test. Her eyes got huge as she saw the result.

"Todd, I'm afraid you're pregnant," she told him.

~*The Minute-Man Motel*~

Cutter couldn't believe it. Morris the porcupine was actually breathing as it blinked it's eyes. "You're alive!" he said in excitement. "I'm so happy! I knew if I wished hard enough, it would happen!"

Cutter set Morris down on the floor, then got down to the porcupine's level. "Now that you're alive, what game would you like to play?" he asked as he looked at what had once been a stuffed, butt-ugly creature.

Morris blinked his eyes again, foaming slightly at the mouth. "Why are you looking at me like that?" Cutter asked him. "Like you-you want to eat me?"

Morris's shiny teeth became visible as he pranced across the floor, approaching Cutter. "Ohhh you're so cute! You wanna play?"

Morris made a strange growling sound as he jumped onto Cutter's chest, scratching his claws into Cutter's shirt. There was the distinct sound of the fabric ripping to shreds as Cutter's chest was exposed. With a viscious snarl, Morris bit off Cutter's nipple.

"Ohhh Morris, why did you have to go and do that for?" Cutter said as he looked down and saw the blood.

The porcupine ran away, the nipple clenched in it's teeth. Cutter picked up a towel, pressing it to his chest to quell the bleeding. He rose to his feet to go after Morris who had jumped out the window.

"Morris, where are you? Come back to Daddy," Cutter called out as he chased after the porcupine.

~*Llanview Hospital*~

"It can't be true. It can't be," Todd said as Marty and Dr. Lewis stood over him as he lay on the exam table. When Marty had showed him the result of the test, Todd has passed out, and Kyle had to help her get him back onto the exam table.

"There's no possible way he can be pregnant," Kyle said to Marty as he stared at the pregnancy test.

"His mother is a lunatic who has done terrible experiments on him and his twin brother in her Lab of Horrors. She could have possibly altered his DNA, making it possible for him to get pregnant," Marty explained.

"Todd, I need to ask you some questions," said Dr. Lewis. "When was the last time you had sex?"

Todd looked dazed as he responded to Dr. Lewis's question. "Sex?" he repeated. He couldn't even remember. "Ohhh I guess it's been somewhat over eight years ago..."

"EIGHT years?" Dr. Lewis gasped.

"It's been eight years since he's had sex, and he's pregnant?" Dr. Lewis exclaimed. "Fish and I have sex every single night, and he hasn't gotten pregnant yet!"

"Look, I didn't need to know that," Todd said, shaking his head. "This just can't be possible. I CAN'T be pregnant."

"I think we need to do an ultrasound," Marty suggested. "We need to check on the baby and confirm that he really is pregnant..."

"No, Marty. I just wanna go home now," Todd protested.

"I'll go get the ultrasound machine," stated Dr. Lewis before walking out of the room.

"Everything's going to be alright, Todd. I'm right here," Marty soothed him.

"I'm not ready to have a baby. This whole thing is just nuts," Todd remarked as Dr. Lewis returned with a portable ultrasound machine.

"Okay, Todd, let's see what's going on in there," Kyle said as he began to get everything set up.

"Let's not," grumbled Todd, but to his displeasure, his stomach was exposed and Dr. Lewis squirted some cool gel onto it.

"Hey, watch it... that's cold!" Todd snarled. Kyle pressed the transducer gently against Todd's abdomen as an image appeared on the screen. There was a steady thumping sound that went along with the image.

"What the hell is that?" Todd asked, pointing to the moving blob on the screen.

"That's your baby," answered Kyle.

"My what?" Todd screeched. "Ohhh hell no!"

"There's no doubt, Mr. Manning. You're pregnant," Dr. Lewis diagnosed.

Todd looked at Marty, horrified. She didn't know what to say or even how to comfort him. She just held his hand as she stood at his side to support him. "How could this have happened?" Todd whimpered tearfully.

~*The Minute-Man Motel*~

Rick was filming his latest porno entitled "Slutty Sex Slave." Aubrey stood naked by the bed while she had Clint Buchanan tied to the bed. She was spanking his ass as Rick held the camera. "Ohhh yeah, baby, spank him," Rick encouraged.

Clint whined as Aubrey made his ass so red. "I've been bad," he said as she shook her boobs in his face.

Clint was having a difficult time getting it up, considering he was a heart patient and around sixty years old, but Aubrey was down on her knees on the bed, trying to make his 'little plumper' come alive. "Ohhhh yeah, suck his salami!" Rick encouraged.

Suddenly there was a crash as the window shattered and something scurried into the room. "What the hell was that?" Clint exclaimed, but Aubrey didn't seem to notice. She was still trying to give him head.

A creature jumped up on the bed, snarling at Clint and Aubrey. Rick didn't seem to care; he continued filming. "Come on, go down on him!" he was yelling at Aubrey.

Morris the porcupine was thirsty for blood, so he attacked Clint and Aubrey, leaving them both in a pool of blood. Then he jumped on Rick's head, attacking him visciously. Rick screamed like a girl as the porcupine began devouring his face. A few minutes later, Rick lay on the floor, twitching as his blood seeped out onto the carpet.

Cutter walked in, seeing the destruction. "Where are you, Morris?" he called out to the porcupine. "You've been a bad, bad boy. Just wait till Daddy finds you. I might have to send you off to bed without any supper."

Cutter stepped over Rick's body, then went outside in search of Morris. What was he to do with his insolent 'child'?


	5. John's Special Sauce

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*Llanview Hospital*~

John peeked his head into Todd's hospital room. "Is everything alright in here?" he questioned.

"No! Everything's not alright!" Todd called out almost hysterically. "I am pregnant!"

"What are you talking about?" John asked with confusion as he walked across the room and saw Kyle performing the ultrasound. To John's surprise, he was actually able to make out the shape of a small baby upon the screen.

"What the hell? He's really pregnant?" John gasped as he stared at Dr. Lewis.

"It would appear that he is," replied Dr. Lewis.

"How is that even possible?" muttered John.

"Irene must have altered Todd's DNA and changed his body structure to make this pregnancy possible," Marty explained. "Dr. Lewis is going to perform further tests, but it would appear that the baby is developing normally."

John just shook his head, staring at Todd in disbelief. "Who got you pregnant?" he demanded.

"That's what I'd like to know. I haven't had sex in over EIGHT years!" Todd exclaimed.

"How can he be pregnant without having sex?" John asked Dr. Lewis.

"I'm not sure about that. I would think he would have had to have come into contact with sperm..." responded Dr. Lewis. Todd looked horrified when he heard Dr. Lewis's words.

"Ohhh shit," John said under his breath, suddenly turning away with a strange expression on his face.

"John, what's wrong?" Marty asked.

"He did come into contact with sperm," John spoke softly.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Todd demanded.

"MY sperm," John responded. "When I made the sandwich..."

"I had been in the bathroom, you know... doing my thing... and I made your sandwich right afterwards without...washing my hands," John admitted.

"You did WHAT?" Todd screeched. "When I told you to add your special sauce, I didn't mean THAT!"

"Well, it's your fault for barging into my apartment when I was ... you know, fondling my meat!" John exclaimed.

Todd looked at Marty, shocked as hell by the new development. "John made me pregnant," he murmured.

"It would seem so," remarked Dr. Lewis. "Congratulations John, you are going to be a father."

John didn't say much, but his face had turned white as sheet. "You can bet I'm going to be asking a lot in child support," muttered Todd.

"That's just great," John responded as suddenly a call came through on his cell phone.

"Excuse me, while I answer that..." spoke John as he walked away to take the call.

"Can you believe him, Marty? He knocks me up, and he doesn't even give me the time of day!" Todd said as Marty was helping him up off the exam table so he could go get dressed.

John had just received word that Dorian and David's twin children had been kidnapped, and Irene Manning had been spotted leaving the scene in a van.

"Hey, look... I gotta go," John said to Marty and Todd after he had ended his call. "That was the station."

"Your mother has struck again," John told Todd.

"You better catch her then. It's your fault and hers that I am pregnant," Todd remarked.

"When you find her, question her about Patrick's head," Marty reminded.

"Will do," said John before he left the hospital room.

"Go get dressed now, Todd," Marty told him. "I'll take you home, then I better get back to Patrick. He doesn't think much of all the time I have been spending with you."

"But Marty, I need you now... with this baby on the way..." Todd implored as she was helping him over toward the bathroom.

"Yes, I know. And I'll be here for you all I can. That's a promise."

~*Bobby Ford's Apartment*~

Morris the porcupine was wandering around Llanview, looking for his next victim. He had walked by the St. James Rectory, Buchanan Enterprises, and The Sun. Finally he reached an apartment building. The door was slightly ajar, so he rushed inside. He scampered up the stairs, looking for some poor unsuspecting person he might attack. "Morris, where are you?" he heard Cutter's voice calling out to him. Morris ran faster, trying to get away from the nut with the serial killer eyes.

Bobby, James, and Nate were just sitting down to have their dinner when they heard a strange noise right outside the door. "What was that?" Nate gasped.

"It sounded like some sort of animal going into heat," remarked James with a little smirk.

"If it's a girl, I'd like to fuck it," spoke Bobby as he rose from the table.

"You and me both..." stated Nate. "We can both have a turn with her."

Bobby opened the door, but didn't see anyone in the hallway. "That's strange," he spoke. He then looked down, seeing the porcupine hovering at his feet.

"Ohhh how cute. It's a little kitty!" he said, as he reached down to pet it.

Suddenly, Morris released several quills, injecting them into Bobby. All of them settled within Bobby's groin. "Ohhh it hurts! It hurts!" Bobby cried out, clutching his damaged package.

"What the fuck!" Nate exclaimed, joining Bobby in doorway as the porcupine snarled menacingly.

"That's no kitty!" yelled James as he saw the porcupine run past Bobby and Nate and jump up on the table.

"What the hell is that thing?" Nate gasped.

"I think it's an angry beaver," James said as he stared at it.

Morris didn't like to be called a beaver, so he jumped onto James's shoulder and bit off his earlobe. "Ohhh my God," cried out Nate when he saw all the blood.

In a matter of seconds, Morris had ripped into James's throat, killing him. Bobby was passed out on the floor from all of the pain. When Morris finished with James, he mutilated Bobby. Nate was cowering in the corner like a scared little girl. The blood-stained porcupine approached him. "No.. no... stay away from me," Nate screamed. His cries of agony could be heard echoing in the halls of the apartment building as Morris the porcupine brutally attacked him.

Moments later, Cutter Wentworth came upon the scene of the three murdered Ford brothers. He sat down at the table to have a bite to eat as he contemplated Morris's crimes. *What a naughty little boy,* he thought as he took a sip of his tea. *I wonder where he may have gone now...*

~*La Boulie*~

John McBain arrived at La Boulie to question David, Dorian, and Blair about the disappearance of the twins. "So, when was the last time you saw the kids?" John asked.

"Dorie and Davey were burning up Sam's action figures in the pool house when that nasty, old bitch just came into the yard and kidnapped my precious babies!" Dorian exclaimed.

"Please find our darling twins and save them from that horrible, wicked woman!" David said pathetically to John as he hid his face in Dorian's bosoms.

"I will do my best," said John. "But I also have a murdering porcupine out there... plus a man who is missing his head. Not to mention, I just got another man pregnant."

Blair raised one eyebrow slightly, looking at John. "Did you just say you got a man pregnant?" she asked.

"Yes, your ex-husband, Todd Manning," John answered. "My sperm must be mighty powerful."

Blair and John were standing there, talking about his sperm when Starr walked into the foyer. "Grandma Addie is missing," Starr stated, holding up a huge set of connecting paper dolls Addie had recently cut out with her scissors.

"I can't find her or her scissors anywhere!" Starr exclaimed.

"Alright, add a missing Addie Cramer and her scissors to my case load," John responded as he jotted something down into his notebook.

"I'm sorry, John," Blair said to him sympathetically. "Would it be alright if we talk about your sperm again?"

John just smirked at Blair as David was whimpering tearfully and blowing his nose onto Dorian's blouse.


	6. Sex & Sandwiches

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*The Palace Hotel*~

Marty arrived at the Palace Hotel to find her husband sitting in their room with a grumpy look upon his face. "Patrick, what is it?" Marty asked.

*Where have you been?* Patrick wrote on the dry erase board he had just recently purchased to help him communicate.

"I've been with Todd at the hospital. He's not been feeling well... and-," Marty began explaining.

Using hand gestures, Patrick let Marty know he had heard quite enough about Todd Manning. He erased his board with his sleeve and wrote: *Todd or me? You decide!*

"What? Patrick, you're giving me an ultimatum?" Marty exclaimed. "You can't make me chose. Todd NEEDS me right now!"

*I'm tired of coming in second-best,* Patrick wrote. *You spend all of your time with Todd and your other ex John.*

"Patrick, you just don't understand!" Marty tried explaining.

Once again Patrick made some wild hand gestures, letting Marty know just how disgusted he was with the whole situation. Then he grabbed the marker and wrote frantically. *It's over, Marty. Pack your bags and just get out.*

Tears filled Marty's eyes, because she knew Patrick meant it. He was kicking her out. But despite Patrick insisting she shouldn't spend time around Todd, Marty knew she couldn't desert him now. He truly needed her, and after all these years, her connection to Todd was still just as strong as ever.

"I'm sorry, Patrick. But I can't abandon Todd. I never could," Marty stated as she began packing up her belongings.

There was no response from Patrick who had dropped his marker down onto the dry- erase board in defeat. He had known it all along. Marty's heart belonged in Llanview with Todd Manning, not him. Patrick Thornhart was little more than a lonely, headless man.

~*Llanview Stables*~

After Marty had packed up and departed, Patrick left the hotel and went to the stables. He knew his friends the spotted ponies would understand his pain and devastation. Sadly, even a dry erase board wouldn't help Patrick communicate with his friends the horses although Patrick had brought it along with him. He was standing in the stables, stroking his favorite horse Patches when he sensed someone had entered the building.

"Patrick?" a familiar voice called out.

Patrick would have smiled if he had a head when he recognized it was Blair who had approached him. He turned to her, wrapping his arms around her in a hug.

"Ohhh Patrick, it IS you!" Blair exclaimed. "I would have recognized that hot, sexy body of yours anywhere!"

Patrick was inwardly pleased when he heard Blair praising his attractive body. He took her hand in his, moving it downwards toward his stirring love-muscle. Already he was sporting a partial hard-on from Blair's presence.

"I think I know what you want..." Blair said with a smirk. "But isn't Marty fulfilling your needs?"

Patrick made the thumbs-down sign. "Ohhh that's terrible!" Blair gasped. "And you're such a virile man!"

"I don't even care if you have head, Patrick. I still want to fuck you... and I would if you let me!" Blair stated.

If Patrick had a tongue, he would have been panting right about then. He really wanted Blair. He reached out and fondled her breast.

"Where would you like to fuck, Patrick? In a stall full of fresh straw? Or would you rather do it on horse-back? That might be fun, too."

Patrick didn't care. He just wanted to get laid. His cock was rock-hard, and he couldn't wait to thrust it deep inside Blair. No words would even be necessary. He started ripping Blair's clothes off as she continued talking.

"Ohhh Patrick... I LOVE it when you are forceful!" Blair cried out as Patrick lifted her up in his arms and carried her off toward an empty stall where he could have his way with her.

~*Llanview Police Station*~

After a wild and pleasurable time with Patrick at the stables, Blair showed up at the police station, looking for John. He glanced up from his stack of papers to see her standing there. "Hey, Blair. What's up?" he asked.

She closed the door of his office and sat down on the edge of John's desk. She gave him a provacative look as she showed off a lot of leg by inching up her short, tight skirt.

"I've been thinking about your sperm, John," Blair said as she licked her lips.

"My what?" John asked as he nearly fell out of his chair.

"Well, you're the one who got me thinking all about it... telling me how you impregnated Todd with it... and how powerful it is. Now I want some," she told him. "I need you to give me a sample."

John was staring at her, very much intrigued. He hadn't had a women in weeks, and he was desperately horny. And here Blair was, offering herself. How could he refuse?

"Where would you like me to put it?" he asked.

"How much do you have? Because I want a little bit of it ALL OVER," Blair said to him in a sexy voice.

John knew he should be concentrating on capturing Irene, finding David and Dorian's missing twins, decoding the disc, finding Patrick's missing head, stopping the rampage of the murdering porcupine, and finding a missing Addie Cramer, but first he must give Blair his sperm.

He stood, reaching for Blair. He bent her over the back of his chair, raising her skirt. "You're really gonna like this, Blair," he said as he unfastened his pants and released his throbbing demon. Blair only answered in moans and gasps as he gave her exactly what she had been wanting.

~*John McBain's Apartment*~

Marty walked into John's, carrying her bags. "Ohhh it's just you, Marty. I thought it was my baby-daddy coming home," Todd said a bit sarcastically. "He's always at work... while I sit here barefoot and pregnant."

She saw him sitting on the couch, lounging in a pair of sweats and eating an extremely huge sandwich. She set down her bags and had a seat next to him. "What's up with all the baggage?" he asked her. "Did your headless husband kick you out?"

"You could say that," Marty said with a heavy sigh as she watched Todd devouring his sandwich.

"Slow down, Todd," she warned him. "You'll puke again. You should let me make you some soup."

"Soup is for wimps. I'm eating for two you know."

"Yes, although I can hardly believe it."

"Why did the hairy ape throw you out?" Todd asked.

"He says I spend too much time with you. At least that's what he wrote on his dry-erase board. He told me, I had to chose: you or him."

"And I won?" Todd asked, looking quite pleased about it.

"Yes- I must be out of my mind," answered Marty. "But I just can't desert you now, Todd. You need me."

Todd set his sandwich aside as he took Marty's hand in his, pressing it to his stomach. "Will you hold my hand while I give birth?" he asked her.

Marty nodded. "Good, and it better be a freakin c-section, because this kid isn't getting out of there any other way!" exclaimed Todd.

Marty couldn't help the half-smile that came to her face when she heard Todd's words. "Well, this isn't exactly a normal pregnancy in any way, shape or form, so I have a feeling it won't be long at all before the baby arrives."

"Will I lose my figure?" Todd asked. "Because I feel bloated."

"Ohhh Todd," she said as she just shook her head and tried not to laugh.

"You'll be alright... and I will be there with you, no matter what," Marty promised him.


	7. Todd's Bun Comes out of the Oven

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*Irene's Compound*~

The twins were running around Irene's compound, screaming at the top of their lungs. Irene sat at her desk, her head throbbing with pain. "Kidnapping isn't all it's cracked up to be," she said to Agent Baker.

"We hate you, mean old lady!" Davey said to Irene. "Take us home!"

"Will you make these naughty little brats shut up?" Irene growled at her henchman.

"I've tried everything... I fed them ice cream, I showed them cartoons, I even let them fingerpaint all over the floor of your lab. Nothing works! They are heathens, I tell you!" Agent Baker exclaimed in distress.

"I HAD to kidnap these children. It's the only way I could get Todd to give me the disc, but he isn't cooperating. I'm afraid I will have to do something drastic!" grumbled Irene.

"And what will that be?" asked Agent Baker.

"We are going to have to go back to LaBoulie and capture one of Todd's kids," Irene stated.

"No way. I am not going back there. Not unless we take these two little terrors back," responded Agent Baker.

At that moment, Dorie dove off Irene's desk and landed on Agent Baker's back. Agent Baker fell to the floor as the little girl jumped up and down on him and giggled uncontrollably. "That's it!" Agent Baker screamed as he pushed the child off and got to his feet. "I quit! Screw you and your evil, sinister plans!"

With those words, Agent Baker fled the compound, leaving Irene alone to contend with Dorie and Davey. "We want candy! Give us candy NOW!" Dorie demanded of Irene.

"God, I HATE children- evil, nasty wretches," Irene mumbled as she went to retrieve her jellybean jar.

*These little brats should be the poster children for birth control!* Irene was thinking.

~*Llanview Hospital*~

Todd's pregnancy had progressed at an alarming rate. The weight of his artificial uterus was pressing down onto his organs. Kyle told Marty, Todd, and John that the baby had to be delivered immediately or Todd's health could be in danger. "No... I'm not ready to give birth..." Todd protested as he lay there in a hospital bed.

"Todd, you need to listen to your doctor," Marty told him gently. "The baby has to be born tonight."

Todd rubbed his protruding stomach, looking extremely uncomfortable. "Listen, Doc," Todd said to Kyle as he grabbed him by the sleeve. "I've got stretch marks, painful hemmoroids, and ugly varicose veins. Believe me, I want this kid out NOW... but if it's too soon, I don't want my baby to be in any danger."

"It's not too soon, Todd. Your baby can be delivered safely tonight. Your ultrasounds show that your baby is fully developed and ready to be born," stated Kyle.

"Let's get this show on the road then," Todd responded. "Take me into the operating room and dice me and slice me."

"I want to be there when the baby is born," John spoke up.

"I need you to stay with me, Marty. You're staying, right?" Todd said to Marty as he reached for her hand.

Marty looked at Kyle who was jotting something down in Todd's chart while he was preparing to set up the c-section. "Can John and I both be with Todd in the O.R.?" Marty asked Kyle.

"I don't see why not; you are a doctor, Marty," answered Kyle. "And you do have a calming effect on Todd. He hasn't exactly been the easiest patient."

"I heard that," Todd said in a grumble. "You try being pregnant and as big as a house and see how you feel."

"I don't think I'll be getting pregnant any time soon," Kyle said with a chuckle.

"Then you better stay away from John's sandwiches," Todd warned. "It was his special sauce that got me into this state."

John just smirked as the medical staff was getting ready to take Todd into the operating room. Todd was feeling nervous as Marty held his hand. He closed his eyes and tried to relax. He knew that very soon he'd get to see the little person who had been kicking him so relentlessly.

~*Llanview Stables*~

At the Llanview Stables, Patrick and Blair were making love on horseback. "Ohhh Patrick, you feel soooo good inside me!" Blair cried out as she bucked up and down on his lap. She was facing him atop the horse, running her hands all up and down his sexy chest as the horse was trotting down the pathway.

At times like these, Patrick could almost forget that he was lacking his head. All of the blood had settled in between his legs, making his rod long and stiff. Blair rocked up and down on it sensuously. "I'm cumming!" she screamed, raking her nails down his muscular back. Patrick exploded deep inside of her.

"Ohhh Patrick, you're amazing," Blair breathed as she pressed herself against his sweat-soaked chest. She forgot everything but the man in her arms as she became lost in the afterglow of his passionate lovemaking. Little did she know that someone she loved was in trouble.

~*La Boulie*~

Morris, the murderous porcupine had been lose in Llanview for weeks. He was thirsting for blood. He sniffed around outside LaBoulie, remembering that gruesome moment he had been nearly cooked on a grill by David Vickers before he had come to life. He walked into the backyard, hiding out behind the hedges. Jack Manning was standing near the pool, talking to Neela Patel. "Ohhh Neela, you're so beautiful. I know I am a poor excuse for a boyfriend and a human-being, but can I kiss you again... and would you mind if I groped you and whispered filthy-nothings in your ear?" Jack asked as he slobbered disgustingly all over Neela.

"Yes, Jack. Whatever you want," Neela said as she raised her lips up toward Jack's in what appeared to be an agonizing and awkward kiss. She pushed the record button on her little tape recorder, because she wanted to capture the whole exchange between herself and Jack for Shane who seemed to get off on her and Jack's horrible attempts at foreplay.

"Ohhh Neela, you taste heavenly," Jack said was he kissed her wetly and reached for her breast. "Do you want to go all the way tonight?"

"Sure, why not, Jack," Neela agreed.

Jack reached for the zipper of his pants, freeing his throbbing plumper. "Touch me, Neela," he encouraged as he reached for her hand.

"Ohhh your mouth feels soooooooo good," Jack groaned, closing his eyes.

"What?" Neela gasped as she hadn't even touched him yet.

"Aaaaa!" Jack suddenly screamed, seeing some sort of creature between his legs, munching on his meat.

"Ohhhh Jack... what the hell is THAT?" Neela exclaimed.

"I dunno... get it off me!" Jack cried out as he tried to pry the porcupine from his plumper.

Morris mutilated Jack, causing him to fall backward into the pool in the process. Neela screamed, seeing Jack's blood spurting into the water. "Jack!" Neela sobbed as she stared at him in horror. She hadn't even got the chance to fuck him yet... and now he was dead.

Neela shrugged, rewinding the tape recorder so it would be ready for Shane's listening pleasure. Jack really was a sorry excuse for a boyfriend. Neela had decided she would rather date Shane instead. At least Shane knew how to kiss.

~*Lanview Hospital*~

Doctor Kyle Lewis performed the delicate procedure to remove Todd Manning's baby by c-section. Marty stood on one side of Todd, holding his hand in hers while John waited anxiously at his other side. "Is the baby alright, Kyle?" John asked of Kyle.

"Yes, John, you have a son," responded Kyle as he held up the baby for John to see.

"It's definitely a son," said John with a smile as he caught a glimpse of the crying baby.

"Sew me up and let me see my kid," Todd insisted as he lay there on the operating table.

A nurse gave the baby a bath, wrapped him in a warm blanket, and carried him over to Todd. "Here's your little boy," she said as she placed him in Todd's arms.

"Awwww, he's kind of cute," Todd said as he admired his newborn baby.

"He's adorable," Marty agreed as she gazed at the tiny bundle in Todd's arms. "I think he kind of looks like John."

"Yeah, he's definitely gonna have your eyes," Todd said of the baby as he glanced up at John. "And your wicked, little smirk."

"Well, it sounds like he has your appetite," commented John considering the baby would not stop crying. "Who's going to feed him?"

"Don't look at me," Todd responded. "I might have a uterus... but one thing I don't have is breasts."

Marty laughed as a nurse brought over a bottle. "I'll feed him," Marty offered. Todd carefully handed the baby boy to Marty so she could give him the bottle.

"What are you going to name the little guy?" John asked Todd.

"I've decided to name him after the one person who has been here for me through all of this..." Todd answered.

"Me?" John asked with a hopeful little grin.

"No, not you. You were working all the time... while I stayed home barefoot and pregnant. You didn't even make me any sandwiches..." Todd grumbled.

"Well, one of us had to work and make money to support Junior," John said defensively.

"His name is Thaddeus Martin Manning," Todd informed John. "Don't call him Junior."

"His name is WHAT? You gotta be kidding!" John exclaimed.

"You can call him Thad for short. And if you don't like the name, go make another baby with someone else," Todd said to John.

"Nurse, go get me a sandwich," Todd demanded of a passing nurse.

"Todd must be feeling like his old self again," Marty said with a little giggle.

~*Irene's Compound*~

Dorie and Davey had the evil Irene tied up in a chair. They were throwing darts at her. They laughed wickedly as the silver-tipped darts hit their target.

A figure crept up behind Irene's chair. Dorie and Davey stopped throwing their darts as they stared intently at the person directly behind Irene. "What's going on? Who's there?" Irene gasped fearfully as she sensed a presense behind her.

"Answer me!" Irene screamed. "I know someone's there!"

Suddenly Irene let out a painful gasp as a sharp pair of silver scissors were embedded deeply into her neck. Addie let out a evil cackle as she thrust the scissors deeper into Irene's yeilding flesh. "Die!" she yelled as she sunk the twin blades into Irene.

"Aunt Addie, you saved us!" the children exclaimed as they hugged Addie so tightly.

"Let's go home," Addie said to the children as she retrieved her scissors and wiped them clean on Irene's black suit. It was time to head back to LaBoulie and cut out a new set of paperdolls for her collection.


	8. A Sandwich & a Pregnancy

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*The Manning Estate*~

Blair flounced into the Manning Estate, eager to speak to Tea. "What's going on Blair?" Tea asked, seeing the urgency written all over Blair's face.

Blair held up a positive pregnancy test. "I'm pregnant!" Blair exclaimed.

"Well, don't look at me... I'm sure I didn't have anything to do with your condition," Tea said with a snort as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Tea!" Blair cried out, seeing the angry expression take over her lover's face.

"Ohhh so you didn't think your sexcapades wouldn't get back to me, huh, Blair? Come on! I heard all about your horse-sex, your stable sex, AND you coming out of John's McBain's office adjusting your skirt. You can't keep it from me!" Tea said in a gasp. "And now I have definite proof right there... in the form of your pregnancy test!"

"Alright, so I had sex with John... and Patrick... but dammit, Tea... I have needs!"

"I don't want to hear about you ... and your so-called NEEDS. Get the hell out of my house! Go to one of your men!" Tea yelled like a banshee.

"But I am not even sure which one fathered my baby!"

Tea let out a god-awful shout, pushing Blair toward the door. "It's probably John! He got Todd pregnant with just a sandwich!"

Tea opened the door and shoved Blair out into the cold. "Tea, does this mean we over?" Blair pouted.

~*Near the Minute-Man Motel*~

"Morris! Come here, my little precious!" Cutter called out as he was looking in the wooded area behind the Minute-Man Motel for his darling porcupine. It had been weeks since the porcupine had made his first killing. The recent deaths included Inez Salinger, Neela Patel, Rama and Vimal Patel, Mayor Flinn, Baz Moreau, and Felicia Evans. The police had been looking for Morris, but he hadn't been caught. After Jack Manning's death, his parents had put up a $200 reward for anyone who found Morris dead or alive. Todd said he would have made the reward money a bit more, but he figured that was about all Jack was worth.

Detective John McBain had been quoted in The Sun as saying, "We have been on the look-out for the murderous, hungry porcupine, but so far all he has done is kill some worthless and stupid citizens. I have a lot of cases here at the police station, including the loss of some dude's head. Gimme a break. I'll find that porcupine when I am damn good and ready."

Cutter was the only one who had been looking for Morris on an ongoing basis. He missed his little friend who was like a son to him. He couldn't believe that Morris had turned on him, biting off his nipple. He'd never be the same, but he still loved Morris and wanted to be a father to him.

Cutter stepped into the woods as he heard a rustling noise in the bushes. "Morris... is that you?" he called out.

He walked over toward the bushes and there sat Morris, staring at him with his beady little eyes. "Come here, baby. Come to Daddy... you know you want to..." Cutter coaxed.

Morris made a viscious animalistic sound and attached himself to Cutter's neck, biting him repeatedly. "Owww!" Cutter screamed in pain.

Cutter walked to the nearest tree and started humping it repeatedly, trying to throw Morris off. "Ohhh it hurts! It hurts! Someone make the pain go away!" Cutter yelled in agony.

Morris ripped out Cutter's throat, then went running off into the woods. The blood-thirsty porcupine was never seen again.

~*John McBain's Apartment*~

Todd was relaxing shirtless on John's couch, a half-eaten sandwich in his lap. Todd was startled out of his almost-sleep when Marty sat down beside him. When he jumped, his sandwich flew into the air. Marty caught it and gave it back to him.

"I thought you learned your lesson and stopped eating sandwiches at John's place," Marty remarked.

"I made that sandwich myself... and besides Dr. Lewis removed my artificial womb when Thad was born," stated Todd.

As if he had heard his name being mentioned, baby Thad started to whimper in his basinett. Marty went over and gently lifted the baby boy into her arms. Thad gurgled when he saw her and started waving his tiny arms.

"He's so adorable, Todd," Marty said with a smile as she hugged the little boy close.

"He probably thinks you're his mother..." Todd said as his eyes met Marty's across the room.

Marty didn't say anything as several minutes of silence passed. She came to sit down across from Todd, holding his son. "Sadly, my son doesn't have a mother. He only has two fathers. And John's never here. Some dad he turned out to be," Todd said, rolling his eyes.

"First he impregnates me... then I have his baby... but despite of all of that, he's NEVER around. Thad and I are moving out. I'm packing up my bags... and my son and I are getting our own apartment," Todd told Marty.

"Todd, you're a wonderful dad to Thad. You don't need John," Marty said gently as she looked down at the beautiful baby she was cuddling.

"But I need you, Marty. You've been there for me all along. Thad loves you. His little face lights up when he sees you. Would you be his mommy?" Todd questioned.

~*Llanview Police Department*~

After months of hard work, John had finally decoded Irene's disc. All of the woman's sinister secrets were now exposed, including the location of Patrick's Thornhart's head. "Eureka, I've found it!" John said with a shout. Finally, he could present Thornhart with his missing head which had been kept in a frozen underground chamber in the tunnels below Irene Manning's compound.

As he saved the data on his computer, he looked up to see Blair standing over him. "Blair, what's going on?" he questioned.

"I am pregnant. And I think the baby is yours."

"Ohhh no, not again!" John whined.


	9. A Wicked Sandwich

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*John McBain's Apartment*~

"Todd, are you asking me to move in with you and your son?" Marty questioned with surprise.

"Yes, Marty, I've always cared for you, but I failed you. I promise if you give me a chance, I'll make everything up to you," he promised.

"I- I don't know..." she said as she looked down at the baby her arms. She stood up and carried Thad back over to his bassinet, gently laying him down. Todd stood up and followed her. He stood behind her, looking down at his precious child.

"Marty, please don't run from me... from us. Look at me please..." Todd prompted. Gently he turned her around in his arms.

"The whole time I was pregnant, I was going through hell. But you were there. You never left my side, even when your husband raised hell. You gave everything up for me," he said as he gazed into her eyes. "I need you, Marty. I love you."

"I couldn't just desert you, Todd. I... still have feelings for you... even after all this time."

"I know," he said as a gave her a little smile. "So, whattya say? Do you wanna move in with me and Thad? I'm not as cute as him, but I can make a wicked sandwich."

A tiny smile came to Marty's face at Todd's teasing words. "But look what John's sandwich did to you," Marty pointed out.

"Yeah, well, if you wanna get pregnant, Marty, I can think of other methods..." he said as passion flickered in his eyes. "Much, much better methods..."

"Ohhh yeah? You haven't even had sex in over eight years. You said so yourself."

"Well, I'm pretty sure everything's still in working order... and if it's not, we can keep manipulating it until it chooses to cooperate."

"Why don't we get started now?" Marty suggested.

"Get started with what? Moving? Making a sandwich? Or...?" Todd asked with sparkling eyes.

"All of that... but let's start with this," Marty said as she pulled him down into a kiss.

~*LaBoulie*~

Patrick Thornhart was a happy man now that he had his head back. He was sliding down the banister at LaBolie, whooping with joy. Not only had John McBain retrieved his head from a frozen chamber of Irene Manning's compound, but a recent paternity test had shown that he was the father of Blair's new baby. As his ass slid off the end of the banister, he sidled up to his gorgeous woman. "Blair ~ my dearest, all my dreams are coming true. My head has been retrieved with all my shaggy hair, and we are about to have a precious baby. What would you like to name our little one?" Patrick asked as he pulled Blair into his embrace.

"I was thinking if it's a little boy we might name him Patty Junior. And if it's a little girl how about Patricia Blair?" Blair suggested.

"Ohhh I love it. And just think, our precious child was created on horseback! What a story to tell our grandchildren!"

"Yes, and now that Jack's dead, we can decorate his room into a nursery!"

Patrick smiled. "Life is good, Blair. I need to go tell Patches all about this," Patrick said with excitement.

"He already knows, honey. We have been making love in his stall," Blair told him with smirk.

"Really? How was I to know? I didn't have a head!" exclaimed Patrick.

Suddenly Dorian and David came through the door with all the kids. "I'm exhausted," Dorian said with a heavy sigh as all the screaming children started running through the house.

"Ohhh Aunt Dorian, what's wrong?" Blair asked with concern.

"David made me pregnant again!"

All eyes settled onto David then, even Patrick's, considering he now had a head. "Don't look at me!" David cried out.

"David, you're like a wild bull in bed. The doctor said I am carrying another set of twins!" Dorian lamented.

"What will we name them? We are running out of names," David responded.

"I don't know. We'll come up with something. Perhaps we will let Dorie and Davey chose their sibling's names," suggested Dorian.

"Dorie! Davey, come 'ere!" David called out.

When the twins came running, David asked, "What would you like to name your new siblings?"

"That's easy. They should be called Dumb and Dumber," said Davey.

David and Dorian looked at each other and she slowly shook her head.

"If it's another little brother I think you should name him Damien Lucifer," Dorie said with a naughty smirk.

"Oooo I like that," Dorian said as she gave David a kiss.

"I'm scared," David said as he trembled.

"I once had a horse named Desdemona," Patrick spoke up. "She was a wild little filly."

"Ohhh David, I love it. Damien Lucifer and Desdemona! Such perfect names for our new little PERFECT set of twins!" Dorian said as she patted her tummy.

Blair too was rubbing her pregnant tummy. "How did you get pregnant, Mommy?" Sam asked as he tugged on Blair's hideous blouse.

"Uhhh well, Mommy likes riding the horses with Patrick..." Blair said as she gave Patrick a secret wink.

"Wanna go for a ride right now?" Patrick asked her as he started to lead her away.

~*The Manning Estate*~

After John found out Blair wasn't pregnant with his kid, he was relieved. As much as he loved baby Thad, he prefered to be one of those dads that only saw the kid on every other weekend or sometimes the holidays. He wasn't ready to be tied down with another kid. Now Blair was blissful with Patrick, and John felt left out. His roaming penis was longing once again for a little company. He fixed up a bunch of sandwiches and took them over to Tea DelGado who was still mourning her husband Victor.

Tea came to the door when John knocked. "Ohhh John," she gasped. "What brings you here?"

"Ohhh I heard that you and Blair broke up... and to be honest, I just broke up with her, too," John stated. "I thought you might be sad and lonely, so I brought you a plate of sandwiches."

"Mmmm... they look so good. Why don't you bring them in and we'll eat them together, one by one?" Tea said with excitement.

"Okay, and after we eat them, could I bend you over and eat you, too?" John asked her with a sexy smirk.

"Sure, why not?" Tea said as she lead him into the living room.


End file.
